My Wreathend

So Martha and I are “like this”.  At least in my head…  Seriously, she is SO AMAZING. I aspire to be her.  And, for a brief period in my life (mid to late twenties), I TOTALLY was her.  My girlfriends actually nicknamed me Martha! This period was short lived. Things started to go south when I got pregnant (wait till I tell you THAT story) and it has progressed from there.   I used to think that everyone that used their kids as an excuse was a total cop-out. I mean, come on, having kids couldn’t really be the root cause for tardiness, could it? Those folks must just be of the variety that run late, right? Also- I was the best Back Seat Parent ever. Every kid that was loud in a restaurant was treated to an icy glare and a whispered promise that my children would never, EVER, behave that poorly. My fictional children were also always exceptionally well behaved in grocery store checkout lines, at fast food lines, and in the Toy Department at Target….

  To every parent out there, I am officially sorry.  You were right.  Good Lord what a handful (and to be more fair, I am not using my ‘vocally gifted’ daughter as the measuring stick. I have to assume that some kids aren’t as loud?)… even leaving the house is such a tenuously coordinated event it might make the Joint Chief cry… I wonder why that position isn’t filled by a mom. Perhaps all the moms are too busy packing diaper bags and going through airport security with a stroller… (You cannot imagine.  Unless you have lived it, you would swear I was making it all up.)

Anyway, here is my Martha Moment of the weekend. So Martha might not shop the after Christmas Clearance Sales for bargains on home décor.  She might not get a little competitive with the other patrons in the store for the coveted glitter twigs. Whatever. Her loss.  I do, and it is with great pride that I share with you my beautiful new wreath! (Michaels 80% off of all Christmas merchandise is genius! And just because it says Christmas doesn’t mean it isn’t acceptable 11 other months out of the year because #1 it is sparkly (love me some glitter!) and #2 it is 80% off!)  And really, Martha is nothing if not creative!

Hope you love it! (Either way, I love it.)

Julia Math

Julia Math is brilliant.  It is a complex system of checks and balances, designed to keep the balance of power intact. Oh wait. That’s the government. Julia Math is how I justify, well, almost everything.  It is how come I can tell my husband that we can leave our house at 5 to get across town by 530- knowing damn well it is a minimum of an hour to complete this journey- it is OK in my head, and gives me license to use my well practiced myriad of sighs in the car on the way there.   It is why paying with cash doesn’t count, especially if one is buying something in a wonderful sale. Unless someone else wants to use cash. And then IT TOTALLY COUNTS.  In short, it is genius.  And it is all mine! I would share, however, according to a scientific study, it is unexplainable/ a nightmare/ totally false and misleading  to anyone but me. I am hoping my daughter will inherent the gift; this is my husband’s worst nightmare. I maintain he is just jealous.

Welcome to my running commentary on life in the suburbs with a husband, a mortgage a rental house, a cat, and the most fun, a daughter.  I know there are many choices in working- ducking blogs, and why is mine so different? Because mine is funny.  You and I? Are going to be besties!